By Lia Marchione
Halloween: the most iconic time of the year, and the only day of the year where taking candy from strangers is an acceptable activity to take part in. This year, the day of spooks and candy falls on a Saturday, which adds to the beautiful irony that is the year 2020. Of course, the best part of Halloween isn’t spending time with your friends or dressing up, although those are great. It also isn’t walking kilometers around your neighborhood peering judgmentally at people’s houses to see if they will grace you with the one thing everyone is actually here for. The best part is the candy.
Of course, nobody’s opinions on Halloween candy matter more than mine. Some people might fight me on this (I’ll win) because I am one of the few smart people in this world who actually enjoys candy corn, but their is opinion wrong, and will be pushed to the side by my gigantic brain’s opinions. Unfortunately, since nobody actually gives out candy corn, it’s not on this list, but the rest of the list is absolutely flawless in every way. Let’s get into it.
Warning: If you’re allergic to peanuts or can’t eat chocolate, this list is not for you.
First and foremost I’d like to give an honourable mention to literally anything you can buy on sale after Halloween at the dollar store. Not only is it cheap, but it’s also semi-ok, and usually made entirely of milk chocolate, which is so amazing that I can’t even communicate it through text. Not only do I have to pay next to nothing for it, but I also enjoy it very much after the Halloween candy I can actually get for free inevitably runs out in 3 days. Unfortunately, it is not entirely free, so it is only an honourable mention instead of actually being on the list.
10. Starburst: Last but certainly not least on this list is Starburst. Starburst is honestly one of the best mixes of sweet and chewy for me, and if I favoured more candy of the sort they would be higher up on the list. Unfortunately, chewy candy can only carry you so far in life, and eventually has to give up the crown to the ever-classy chocolate candy. But for a good, quick melt-in-your mouth sweetness, Starburst reigns supreme.
9. Sour Skittles: Being the most superior of the Skittle family, Sour Skittles take the ninth place spot on my list. Not only is green a better colour for packaging, but Sour Skittles are just simply an improvement on the classic Skittle. They’re not even sour, but the fact that normal Skittles are just kind of bland and need that little kick is what puts them in the top ten. You will never in your life find yourself buying a pack of Sour Skittles from the store, but when they’re in your Halloween bag, they’re just top tier.
8. Kit Kats: The first of the chocolate candies on this list, Kit Kats satisfies that urge within you to just crunch. Even though the Halloween sized ones are 1/6th the normal size, it’s still a great candy to pull out of the bag while sorting your Halloween candy on the floor. Truly, a classic you can’t go wrong with.
7. Swedish Fish: An absolute banger from our friends in the candy industry, Swedish Fish are not only delicious, but they’re also a gummy, which just makes them even better. While Halloween Swedish Fish are often found in packs of 2 and are literally the tiniest thing you’ve ever seen in your life, I still get indescribably happy whenever I see them in my bag. An absolute classic, whether you get them off of the Cineplex “you can only have these” candy racks or in your trick-or-treating bag.
6. Peanut M&Ms: Like Sour Skittles, Peanut M&Ms take an already okay concept and turn it into something great. While M&Ms are a classic, Peanut M&M’s just add something that makes them 100% better: peanuts. The taste of the peanuts with the chocolate just proves that literally any chocolate product can be made better with peanuts inside of it, and that people with peanut allergies are the weakest form of human (sorry). Once you eat a Peanut M&M, regular M&Ms just seem small and plain, once again proving that this is the superior version of the candy.
5. Sour Patch Kids: As the beginning of the top five, and the last chewy candy on this list, Sour Patch Kids are really the special snowflake of the chewy candy community. Not only do they have the classic gummy of Swedish Fish, but they’re also more bite sized and are coated with the kind of sour coating that gathers at the bottom of the bag. This later allows you to literally just pour it into your mouth once you’re done eating the actual candy. Any candy that causes your tongue to go defunct after you eat a bag of them is worthy of being high on this list.
4. Caramilk: I’ve been eating and enjoying Caramilk since I was old enough to actually eat proper candy, and that might be telling as to why it takes spot number four. Caramel and chocolate is another godly combination, one which I thought was above chocolate and peanut butter for years (I was incorrect). Caramilk bars just give you the most amazing experience ever. Even Halloween versions of them, which cuts the larger bar down to two squares rise above other miniature forms of candy just out of sheer deliciousness. If you have never eaten a Caramilk, you are in the severe wrong, and I feel sorry for you.
3. Mars Bars: The difference between a normal sized Mars Bar and a Halloween sized Mars Bar is very small. Now, if you’ve actually gotten far enough into this article to get to the top three, congratulations, because you can now forget everything I said in the ranks under this. These three are the best candies ever to be given out during Halloween, and the other ranks were just for show. Get ready to be enlightened. That being said, chocolate, caramel, and nougat is an even better combination than just chocolate and caramel. The addition of the nougat adds something I can’t describe (and something which is completely ruined in Snickers with the addition of peanuts), but which pushes the bar over Caramilk, making it much better. That being said, get yourself to a Dollarama and buy Meteor Bars (2 packages for $1). They are the same thing and cost next to no money compared to the cost of an actual Mars Bar. This was just an ad for Meteor Bars.
2. Smarties: Wow! Controversy time. Smarties are better than M&Ms. As I stated earlier, M&Ms are literally just less good Peanut M&Ms, and if Smarties are above those on this list, you can imagine how I’d actually rank regular M&Ms. Not only are Smarties sweeter, but the weird shell tastes better. So between a better tasting chocolate, and being much larger than their competitor, you can make an educated guess on which one, logically, should be better. Unfortunately, some people still like the regular M&M, but Smarties are the more obviously good candy. Also, you can get a lot of them out of a Halloween candy pack, and that’s a super big point in their category.
1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: These candies are the best thing I’ve ever tasted in my life. Sorry to people who can’t eat peanut butter or chocolate, but you are missing out on the god of all candy, all other candies on this list pale in comparison to Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. They’re packaged in singles on Halloween when you usually get them in packs of three—1/3 of the usual goodness, but does it even really matter?— It doesn’t matter. The chocolate and peanut butter mix? Amazing. The fact that every time I eat them I get a little bit closer to crying because they’re literally so delicious? Also amazing. I don’t even have to defend this one because anyone who’s gotten this far agrees with me. You’re just here to see that this got the number one spot, because really this is the only candy that matters, and you’d be right for it too. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are the best thing to ever come out of Reese’s, (even though that’s not saying much because the only other candy I’ve seen from them is Reese’s Pieces and those suck so bad) and they hit the nail on the head so hard it’s incredible.
So, those are my Halloween candies ranked. I may have extra things I might have wanted to include on this list because I love them (Rockets), but they are publicly hated by many, and even I have to cater to the public eye sometimes. All in all, this is the definitive list of best Halloween candy in the world, as decreed by me.
But, the list is not yet complete:
Dishonourable Mention: Tootsie Rolls. These are, in all meanings of the word, an abomination. Any form. Lollypop, the little rolls you get, the larger rolls you get? They’re all gross. They remind me of when they tried to give us peanut brittle as candy at camp, and nobody took it because it tasted so bad. The same thing would’ve happened if it was this, because it tastes so bad. I hate Tootsie Rolls. All my homies hate Tootsie Rolls. If you like Tootsie Rolls, you are either my parent’s age, or something went incredibly right when you tried them for the first time and now your brain associates them with good things. You are in the wrong here.
And, with that one final decree to the list, it is complete. Remember to not go trick or treating this year, because knocking on people’s doors when they don’t have anything to give you is just embarrassing, but still have fun. Spend this Saturday with friends or go raid your local Dollarama. Whatever it is, stay safe!