Ask Angel – Secret Boyfriend

My girlfriend doesn’t acknowledge me as her boyfriend at school, but she’s completely different when we are alone. I’ve tried to tell her how I feel but she says we’re just private not a secret, but it doesn’t feel like that. I think she’s ashamed of me, should I break up with her?  -Secret Boyfriend

Dear Secret Boyfriend,

Thank you for reaching out. I’m sorry to hear you are in this situation and having to make such a big choice on your own. Relationships are hard enough and with your current situation, I can’t imagine how difficult it has been for you. In this instance, you have to focus solely on yourself and your own feelings. It is the only way to clear up whether you truly want to break up with your girlfriend or not. 

Firstly, you should examine your relationship. Your girlfriend claims that you two are in a private relationship, but from what it seems, it was never a mutual decision nor did you ever agree to a private relationship. Something like a private relationship should always be mutual and in your case, since it wasn’t, it brought many complications. Your girlfriend making that decision on her own, simply letting you know and never asking about your input is already the first red flag. I also see that you have confronted her about the situation and she had no excuses. She only stated that you two aren’t a secret, but are simply private. Your girlfriend having no reasons for her personal decision and simply dismissing your concerns about your relationship is yet another red flag. From what we see, your girlfriend is a secretive, dismissive, and quite selfish person.

Now, for how you should go about this situation. Confronting her again is the first step. This an opportunity to let her fully know of your feelings, how this is the last time you will give her a chance to explain herself, and what reasons she might have for labeling your relationship without your knowledge in the first place. Depending on her answer or lack thereof, start asking yourself if it’s worth it to still be in that relationship. 

The next step is to review the relationship from your perspective. Look at everything from how she made you feel to how many good moments there were between the two of you. Think of every problem you’ve both been through and how it went. You can even try writing down everything if that helps you clear your thoughts. Take a close look at every aspect of the relationship and reflect on everything. If you see that you’ve overall been feeling unhappy, uncomfortable in your relationship, or you don’t think you can just move on from the problem without an explanation, consider breaking up with her. If you see that she always made you feel great and think that you can move through this problem, give it a bit more time. Breaking up is a hard thing on its own. There was obviously a reason you got into your relationship and it hurts to think of what resulted from that decision. However, if breaking up is what you know to be the best decision, then you have to do it. 

Anything that goes on in anyone’s life always has to be solved by themselves at the end of the day. Whether your decision brings you pain or relief, you know what’s better for yourself and you know what is right for you. No one knows you better than yourself and it’s best to trust that. With whatever decision you end up making I will support you no matter what.  I’m sorry this situation is happening, but I hope you now have a clearer understanding of what your decision will be after reading this. I know you will make the right choice.

Written with support,

Angel.